Sunday, October 30, 2011

Let me tell you how I got here.

I've struggled with my weight for about as long as I can remember. Even when I wasn't REALLY fat, I always felt fat. I can remember being in the 4th grade and telling my best friend that I was embarrassed because I had to start wearing bra because my boobs were getting bigger and she said "Yeah, that's because you're chunky!" It turned a horrifying moment, even more horrifying. (BTW, she has always been stick skinny and still doesn't have boobs to this day!) That was the day that I became The Chubby Girl, to myself. I always thought of my friends as "The Pretty Ones" because they were skinny, and I was "The Chubby Girl". No boys ever liked me, or so I thought. Why would they like me when they compare me to my friends.

In the 6th grade there was this boy in my gym class that always called me "Fattie". How rude? I would always have to make myself not cry and act like it didn't bother me, but I'm pretty sure it helped shape the way I feel about my body, even today.

The summer before 7th grade I made a diet and work out plan that I gathered out of a teen magazine. I would rollerblade on our back patio for hours at a time and track everything I ate. I would also walk down our street and alternate between walking a house length and running a house length. I don't know if I lost any weight or not. Even if I did, I still felt like I was huge.

I remember shopping for clothes for 8th grade. It was the first time my mom ever let me pick out my own stuff. We went to The Buckle and I remember trying on jeans. I wore a size 7 or 9 depending on the brand. I was so embarrassed about those numbers because my best friend was in a 1 or 3. I So wish I could go back there and talk to myself. I'd tell myself that not everyone is a size 3 and it's okay if you aren't.

I was pretty much the same size from 8th grade all though out high school. I remember in 9th grade getting weighed at the doctor and I was 156 pounds. The doctor said I should probably lose some weight.

After high school I remember being 20 and weighing 173 pounds. I though this was out of control. My roommate and I began a diet and starting doing Tae Boe every day. I lost 8 pounds before giving up.

A year later I moved to the town my boyfriend lived in. I was 185 pounds. I joined Weight Watchers and Curves with my roommate. I didn't last long.

I moved in with my boyfriend at 21 and I was now 195 pounds. I didn't know how to cook, he didn't know how to cook, so we ate fast food every night.

At 23 we got engaged, I was 210 pounds. The biggest I'd ever been. The year of our engagement, I lost 20 pounds and got married at 190 pounds and 24 years old.

In the 6 months following our wedding I got up to 219. Now the biggest I'd ever been, and I didn't stop there.

The summer of 2009, I was 25. Paul and I decided we were going to try to get pregnant. In my head, I thought I was way too heavy to get pregnant, so I thought we would try for 3 months, then I would have to lose some weight. I wanted a baby so bad, so I though I would actually lose weight this time. Much to my surprise, we got pregnant the first month we tried. I was extremely happy, but now I was going to GAIN even more weight. At my first OB visit they weighed me and I was 230 pounds. Wow. Not to mention the nurse said the number out loud and now my husband knew how much I weighed. I almost cried at that. Of course he always knew I was big, I mean, we're at an OB appointment, he's obviously seen me naked, but he never knew the number and now he did.

When the doctor came in to see us she addressed my weight. She told me that I needed to gain only 10-15 pounds through out my pregnancy. How in the hell was I going to do that. I'd known pregnant people and the least I'd ever heard of gaining was 35 pounds with the most being 95 pounds. I felt like I was doomed. I told myself that I would aim to only gain 25.

But then it seemed like magic started to happen. Instead of gaining weight, I started losing weight! I got down to 219 before I started gaining again. At every appointment my doctor would tell that I was doing such a good job with my weight and that she was so proud of me! But I wasn't even trying. The day I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, I was 239. So I'd gained 7 pounds from my pre pregnancy weight. I was thrilled!

After having Elliott, I lost 18 pounds the first week, taking me to 223. The weight was just falling off. By the time Elliott was 4 months old, I weighed 189 pounds. I'd lost 50 pounds without even trying! Then I stopped breastfeeding. Then the weight came back on.

Today, my daughter is 19 months old. Today I am 27 years old and weigh 249 pounds. In the last month, I've weighed 260 pounds.

I've started Weight Watchers again (probably for the 5th time). I am finally ready to lose weight! I am going to chronicle my journey, keep myself accountable, and seek out support. Thanks for reading!